And you just have to embrace the ugly. Until the pressure turns it into a diamond.
2023 has been unkind and magical. I’m realizing that’s life. Floating in a sea of pain, predators, and parasites, combined with sunsets, smiles, and surprises. When I started this blog, I promised I would be honest about it all, but I have not been. I have been hiding the parts of me that only the babadook sees lately and although I am fine, I do feel shame from pretending to be at a 9 when I feel at an 8. Let me explain…
Someone that I used to know extremely well passed away. I feel like an imposter calling him my friend when the truth is we had a falling out of sorts, but he was always in my heart and I always spoke highly of him – and I learned the feeling was mutual. Then I ran into him not too long ago and it was as if no time had passed – hugs and smiles and catching up. Shortly thereafter he sent me a long email, and the truth is I was tired. Too tired to reply. Too emotionally drained with my own life to make space and time for him. The next time I heard his name, it was when a dear friend told me he had passed away. Taking his own life.
Him passing away wasn’t about me but it riddled me with guilt, grief, shame, pain. I should have replied to him sooner – when it mattered. Truth is I always thought we would meet up for coffee like we used to do and it would be like it used to be.
A few days after he died I talked to him in my dreams. He was as kind and goofy as always. He said he had met my little Charlie boy – my little soul doggy that died unexpectedly. Even writing this now, it makes me want to cry. And it makes me mad at myself for wanting to cry – how dare I be sad. The audacity of me to mourn over someone I had sidelined for too long. But here I am, being sad in secret shame.
Tiny human happenings…
I also haven’t been talking about parenting lately. I know I have not. Truthfully, it is because I question my abilities and that is an insecurity that although I know many have – it’s hard not to dwell on. It is hard not to look at this magical tiny human and think about my abilities and think, “damn she could have done better than having me as a mom”.
Princess Peanut Progress Report:
Peanut repeats phrases, has great enunciation, and can sing a cryptic rendition of “row your boat” at 1am that will terrify even the bravest of them. But she otherwise chooses not to speak with people. Social interactions are not her strong suite and it makes me wonder if she’s learning that from my awkwardness. So it is a work in progress. We continue to be proactive to ensure she has all the tools she needs to meet the milestones at her pace.
Otherwise, I am happy to report she is happy and healthy. She has a lot of energy and is clever as hell. Of course she throws tantrums – probably more hardcore ones that most kids – but she’s a toddler. Toddlers are gonna toddler.
Bonus: my tiny human anthem –
Quote of the week:
When you have never been held accountable for anything, being held accountable feels like oppression.– unknown but there are many variations out there meaning the same