I take being a mother very seriously. It is a challenging and beautiful experience that carries very real responsibility and consequences. Because of how deeply I try to honor this role with my heart and soul, I struggle to understand those who take it for granted or worse…
There is someone who I recently had to cut out of my life, but I cannot stop thinking about her children. I worry about them. Truthfully, if I did not have my daughter I would have likely endured her manipulation for them.
Let’s call her Jane…
A little about Jane – she is attractive and charismatic. We essentially began our individual stories with very similar circumstances following high school. Neither at a higher advantage. I took out student loans to go to college and worked retail jobs. She worked retail jobs and got married. I had various set backs, as one does. She, too, had her share of setbacks.
When I finally had my daughter I reached out to the fellow mothers in my life. Jane and I connected and I learned she was pregnant. I was excited for her until she began to explain the details surrounding this pregnancy. I became concerned but also I felt riddled with guilt for feeling like I was judging a fellow mother.
Jane’s mom life…
Jane was married and they got pregnant but suffered a miscarriage. Their second pregnancy led to a live birth which, in her words, in retrospect was not the best idea since “the marriage was over.” A very sad story. Her second child was with a new partner. They had a beautiful daughter, but when Jane suffered a knee injury, in her words, he was suddenly abusive and cruel leading to their break up.
Jane continued to have a sexual relationship with her ex resulting in another pregnancy. During her pregnancy, she states the partner begged for reconciliation, but also threatened her life if she did not have an abortion. Begged to be the birth of their son, but also offered her money to go away.
Now, I am not saying this is not true. I have first hand seen the manic behavior of some abusers. I am simply telling the story as it was told to me. It was inconsistent depending on the day, to put it bluntly.
Jane told her most recent pregnancy war story with pride. It was high risk for both her and the child, and she was advised to terminate. The doctor even had to give her shots to keep the pregnancy viable. She stated there was a high likelihood that the child would have long-term pain and health issues, but she was determined to have him, and I asked her why (although I am aware it was not my place). Truthfully, I was trying to understand it all. Her response was, she was “stuck dealing with the ex either way so might as well enjoy the baby.” This left me feeling uneasy. I was concerned for the quality of life of the child. The baby was born premature and suffering with a multitude of health issues and constant pain.
More red flags…
A huge alarming issue was Jane’s house, which seemed like unsafe living conditions. Exposed wires, far too many surge protectors, boxes and boxes piled around the house, clothing everywhere, and holes in the walls. Lots of cats in the house, nothing consistently cleaned or maintained. Like a lightweight hoarding situation. It was far more than clutter or daily mess. As the daughter of an electrician I can tell you just that aspect alone concerned me for their safety.
Another problem was Jane would randomly ask for money. It ranged from for a manicure, to Christmas gifts for her kids, to medicine, or food. I constantly made it clear my money was dedicated to my daughter. To this she would lash out at me angry that I had a job so I had money, and that she would work if she could. She called me privileged and accused me of not caring about her. She got upset with me for not offering to pay for her kids medicine, for not offering to help buy new tires, and for not getting involved in helping her file for custody of her daughter.
The attempts at gaslighting me with emotional manipulation continued with her stating she was all alone and no one helped her. When I reminded her that she lived with her mother who paid their rent and helped care for the children she would get angry.
I tried to help Jane…
Jane liked making home crafts so I offered to design her a website and set up an online business free of charge so she could have some income. She never took me up on my offer.
When I offered suggestions and resources on where to get financial aid, legal aid, victim advocates and assistance, online classes, or any sort of assistance, she flat out said she didn’t know how or “tried everything and nothing works.”
I tried to understand Jane…
When I asked Jane if she ever self-reflected to learn from her past and take accountability for her role in her misfortunes, she became angry and said she was always the victim. That she was always a devoted partner to abusers.
Any time I pointed out inconsistencies, asked questions, or simply disagreed, it quickly turned into accusations of verbal abuse and disrespect. It was alarming how quick she was to state she was being victimized and label others as abusers.
I realized there was nothing I could say or do that would make a meaningful change…
I could not help Jane or her children without sacrificing myself and my child’s quality of life. And because of that, I had to walk away. My daughter will always come first. But I am haunted by her claim that her daughter was in harms way at her father’s house, that her kids may not be safe at her house, that she may be manipulating them, or that she is an innocent victim whom I’ve abandoned in her time of need. I am full of guilt. Worst of all, haunted wondering if her poor daughter is being manipulated by her mother, or abused by her father, or worse both. And haunted knowing I couldn’t do anything to help her.