This is an open letter to someone who may never see it. Someone who likely doesn’t care. It’s not even just one person, but more than one, that is no longer there. But I need to say this, I need to let it out, I realized today it’s so bottled up inside that it makes me want to shout. So I have to set it free, and hope to find some peace, even if you don’t care, maybe that will set my mind at ease.
The day my daughter was born, I was all alone, but in my heart you were there, and kept up to the minute through the phone. You were someone I had hoped we could rely on for community and family, a village and strength. Especially when covid hit and so many went away. Our small world became tiny, this little human and me. But you were there nearby and safe, for us to have and see.
But as the pandemic dragged on, your priorities changed. Tiny and I were no longer a consideration, and things would never be the same. Tiny and I were helpless to the decisions being made. Your decisions were life changing and we were the price to be paid.
What felt like overnight, from one day to the next, you were out of sight, and our tribe became even less. Now you’re far away and I pretend that we are okay. But when I am being honest, I wish you would have stayed. Not so much for me, but for my tiny human being. Who knew you as a trusting person she could still be seeing.
You refuse to acknowledge that she is small but deep, and has feelings that she felt for you, and pain that she will keep. Every now and then I see her reach inside that pain, when looking at your picture or mentioning your name. And when I see her hurt, it breaks my heart in a way I can’t explain. So you are off without a care, but we are not the same.
The truth is I always envisioned you as someone tiny would have around, seeing her grow and being there, but this pandemic has us tied down. And even with this circumstances, you chose to leave with open eyes, and didn’t even acknowledge the pain caused with your goodbyes.
We will carry on, and we will be okay. We as in me and tiny, you and me are not the same. I may never say it, and it may never show, but the resentment that I have for you continues to grow and grow. I’m hoping that this open letter brings me some reprieve, over the pain to see my tiny human hurt over you leave.
I hope this open letter, helps me to find my peace, and stop hating myself so much for trusting you not to leave. During this pandemic when we are really stuck, and let’s just call it what it is, you just didn’t give a fuck.