Do you ever really know someone? Your partner, your kid, your best friend? Yourself?
There is someone that I used to know. Or I thought I knew. They were my best friend. I likely was not theirs, but they were mine. And I was myself. Anxiety, depression, goofy and weird and all. I shared and asked. But this person, they decided to cut me out of their life. The only thing I see is what’s on social media. My face pressed against the glass from the outside looking in. And it’s fucking cold out here, so I try not to linger. But when I do look through the window, I see someone I do not recognize. I see someone that I don’t know; that I’ve never known. And who cares? Right?
It would be nothing but a passing thought (albeit annoying) except for one thing – as I have shared before I suffer (yes, I am saying it is a curse and not a blessing) with excruciatingly vivid dreams. I get lost in the reverie… as I have shared in the past. And this person, they live rent free in my other life; the life in my dreams.
In this alternate universe we are still close; the best of friends. It’s nothing special; not romantic, not elevated in any way, not different or extraordinarily special beyond what it was in this existence. My brain or soul can’t seem to let go and so when I go to sleep it is like that person is here, talking to me. And in those dreams, I can hear their voice, I can feel the texture of objects in my hands, I can smell my surroundings. It is as real as you feel right now reading this.
The truth is, I hate it. I hate thinking about it, I hate waking up with the memory of it. I know we are supposed to take past friendships/relationships and learn from them. And trust me, I have. This friendship has put a lot nails in a lot of coffins of doubts, and it has taught me more than anything to trust my gut no matter what. As paranoid, anxious and crazy my gut is and can be – it is still correct.
Even with the lessons I have learned thanks to the experience with this person… I have to be honest… If I had the choice to completely erase this person from my mind… I would do it. In a heartbeat. No hesitation. The lessons learned were not worth these regular visits into my alternate universe. Having to see this person constantly makes me sad, and sick.
As I have mentioned before, when I love I love hard; I’m a ride or die bitch. And even if I don’t always reach out to my friends regularly, the ones I love live with me in my dreams. So I forget sometimes to call or text because they are here with me, in my heart, in my mind. I have play dates with Jenny even though she’s in Illinois. I’m a couch potato with Wesley who’s in Washington. I ride motorcycles with Lori even though she passed away. I go to dinner with Tojo and Q even tho they are in So Cal.
I know I sound insane. Or maybe I coexist in a different universe, another timeline or existence. Who knows. Thankfully, in every existence one thing remains constant – Peanut is there by my side.
Speaking of being far away…. I’ve been thinking a lot about the United States. I’m struggling with whether or not Peanut and I really belong here. This system of being a slave to a job 40 hours per week, healthcare being insanely expensive and determined by your job, your identity being defined by your profession and political position… this isn’t for me. And I am not a lazy person. I work hard and efficiently and am faster than most of my coworkers (no tea, no shade, just facts on facts). But why do I need to work 40 hours per week to accomplish work that I can do in 20? A punishment for intelligence.
Perhaps it is just my career path I am unsatisfied with, but having a tiny human leave little to no room for error on decisions. I’m earning and getting that healthcare for two now. And of course Covid doesn’t help. I work in civil service where despite unions, departments circumvent protected rights with micro aggressions and refusal to put things down on paper, combined with the honest indecisiveness and inabilities of those in charge. Maybe it is just civil service that is not for me. I just don’t know…
A Peanut Palette Cleanser…