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Pregnancy & post-partum related excerpts from the archives…

Originally posted January 9,2020

When I was pregnant, I carried Peanut very high and could literally feel her putting tons pressure on my rib cage, making it difficult to breathe or move my upper body. It came to the point where I sneezed and heard a loud POP! – Busted my ribs. I’ve broken ribs before but not being able to take meds or relieve the pressure made the rest of my pregnancy extremely painful.

The last time I broke ribs, I will admit, I relied heavily on opiods. I don’t have an addictive personality so although I did take a lot of pills on a daily basis, I was able to pull myself out of the fog without the unfortunate reprocussions that many others have suffered.

This time around I am in massive upper body pain and pushing through without opioids; instead slowly working on repairing the damage through physical therapy (along with my busted hip injured during delivery). I am not gonna lie, it’s been very difficult. The pain triggers my anxiety and PTSD. Sometimes I can’t even sleep from the pain and anxiety, but I am committed to taking the proper route of recovery for Peanut. She is the motivation that gives me strength to push through.

Since Peanut’s arrival, everything has been constantly changing to meet the needs of the household. I’ve had to manage keeping her in a separate extra clean environment with the dogs at a bit of a distance for the time being while she is still so small; balanced with ensuring that the dogs aren’t suffering too greatly from all the changes. But Charles, the sensitive boy, struggles the most. He is sad and cries and I try my best to be there for him while still tending to Peanut’s needs first. Any of you experienced postpartum problems with your pups?

Originally posted January 20, 2020

WHY is breast milk something gross I should be ashamed to talk about? I should NOT need to learn the hard way or be ashamed to discuss leaky breasts from breast milk, Engorged discomfort, Painful nipples, etc. I have heard my friends discuss gastrointestinal issues, medical concerns, sexual situations, and gory descriptions with comfort and ease.

If blood, bowels, and boners are okay to discuss freely, why is breast milk different? Talking about your BM (bowel movement) is free game, but my BM (breast milk) should be a hidden shame? I can’t help but be offended that Dr Pimple Popper is socially acceptable but breast milk is socially detestable. After all, some of you survived your first year of life off breast milk. It provides sustinance and nutrients. It is not toxic, contagious, or even viscous (unlike some of the other things that come out of the human body!). It baffles me that I should be willing to listen about diarrhea and mucous but my breast milk grosses some out? 

Fuck the shame. Breast milk isn’t gross. And you know what, I tasted it (as I’m sure most moms do) and it was not gross. And it leaks. Sometimes everywhere. My boobs hurt and feel uncomfortable. And sometimes I pump and sometimes I breast feed. Sorry not sorry.

Originally posted February 2, 2020

When I was in the hospital about to deliver Peanut I was extremely scared because of the negative experience I was having, and too embarrassed to ask anyone to come be by my side. I got terribly lonely in the middle of it all. I realized that it wasn’t that I didn’t trust any of my close friends to be there, my problem was I didn’t think anyone cared about me enough to want to be there with me. Birth is intense and awkward and I didn’t want to put anyone out. I now realize that perhaps there were some people I could and should have called. It’s just hard for me to believe when someone genuinely wants to be involved in my single parenting journey.

It’s been an unexpected journey where people who I thought I would lose, stepped up their support game; and people who I genuinely thought would be interested and involved have gone almost full on ghost status. This has left me to wonder if I’m doing this all wrong. Am I adulting wrong? Friendshipping wrong? All of the above?


Originally posted February 24, 2020

Fears of failure frequently feel like foreshadowing of fucking up my family and fur babies.

I have a confession, I still have a hard time calling Peanut my daughter and I feel weird when people call me a mother. Often, this entire thing feels like the sweetest dream that I will wake up from at any moment. When I’m away from her, I have brief moments of doubt; is she real? Is this really my life right now? I was so used to disappointment and heartbreak that I don’t know what to do with this immense happiness sometimes. Professionally, I’ve been harassed and defeated; and had dreams of an alternative profession crushed by people I should have been able to trust as mentors. Romantically, I have been disheartened and defeated. So I never expected I would get what I’ve always wanted: a family of fur babies and fun little tiny human. There’s this cute Peanut human baby who loves me and is my family! How did I get so lucky? It overwhelms me with joy, but it also overwhelms me with fear of failing her and losing my little family.


May 15, 2020 The N Word

Nipples.

That’s right, nipples. For some reason they are vulgar if we are discussing nipples on breasts (versus pecs). You know, the nipples that provide many babies (something we all were at the beginning of our lives) sustenance, nutrients, and nourishment. The things that help get us through that first year of our lives – are TABOO. Inappropriate. Vulgar. Distasteful.

Men can walk around with their nipples out but we can’t even acknowledge that women have nipples; And if we have them out we can get arrested! What kind of patriarchy hypocritical bullshit is that??

Well, today, I will be talking to you about my nipples. (Sorry not sorry.) But part of embarking on this journey into motherhood includes a lot of situations involving my nipples. More than I expected…

Ever since I had Peanut my nipples have a life of their own with lots of changes, stresses, and adventures. No one ever told me about the sweat and tears involved in caring for your nipples postpartum. At first there was no problem; as my body failed to realize that Peanut was out into the world and it was time to make nature’s horchata (breast milk). But once we began production it was full steam ahead – comfort be damned!

Let me tell you what happens to a Lady when she is a full 24/7 nature’s horchata factory: your nipples fill up, the swell, they hurt, they itch, the skin gets dry, they feel like they could explode at any minute, they look lumpy, you can get a blocked duct which creates a whole new list of problems – including possible infection, they LEAK – like A LOT. And then when your baby decides she no longer wants to latch and breast feed, you are left with used, confused, and abused nipples; with all these problems because there is no OFF switch to the horchata factory. You can’t just shut down production because the boss decides there’s no more demand. So what do you do?

Well, most of the mommy blogs and doctors tell you to ice your breasts. That will eventually stop production of breast milk. Then there are all these wacky “natural alternatives” all over the internet. Rub your breasts with cabbage, sage, random oils, etc. Reader, I’m not going to lie to you, I am not going to try any of that nonsense. Now, if you do, please message me and share the end results! But I just don’t have the energy, desire, or faith that anything outside of ice and time will work. With that being said, I have been icing for a week now and am still struggling with engorged painful nipples. And I don’t mind most of it. Even the pain. But the leaking. The fucking leaking. It gets EVERYWHERE. I hate it.

The point being, I WANT MY NIPPLES BACK! Without the leaking and the hurting and the bumpiness. So pray with me this will end soon. It is a literal nagging pain on my chest that exhausts and annoys me to the point of anxiety/panic attacks. So if you are going through this too, you are not alone. I feel your pain. Literally.


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