Originally posted February 2, 2020
When I was in the hospital about to deliver Peanut I was extremely scared because of the negative experience I was having, and too embarrassed to ask anyone to come be by my side. I got terribly lonely in the middle of it all. I realized that it wasn’t that I didn’t trust any of my close friends to be there, my problem was I didn’t think anyone cared about me enough to want to be there with me. Birth is intense and awkward and I didn’t want to put anyone out. I now realize that perhaps there were some people I could and should have called. It’s just hard for me to believe when someone genuinely wants to be involved in my single parenting journey.
It’s been an unexpected journey where people who I thought I would lose, stepped up their support game; and people who I genuinely thought would be interested and involved have gone almost full on ghost status. This has left me to wonder if I’m doing this all wrong. Am I adulting wrong? Friendshipping wrong? All of the above?
Originally posted February 24, 2020
Fears of failure frequently feel like foreshadowing of fucking up my family and fur babies.
I have a confession, I still have a hard time calling Peanut my daughter and I feel weird when people call me a mother. Often, this entire thing feels like the sweetest dream that I will wake up from at any moment. When I’m away from her, I have brief moments of doubt; is she real? Is this really my life right now? I was so used to disappointment and heartbreak that I don’t know what to do with this immense happiness sometimes. Professionally, I’ve been harassed and defeated; and had dreams of an alternative profession crushed by people I should have been able to trust as mentors. Romantically, I have been disheartened and defeated. So I never expected I would get what I’ve always wanted: a family of fur babies and fun little tiny human. There’s this cute Peanut human baby who loves me and is my family! How did I get so lucky? It overwhelms me with joy, but it also overwhelms me with fear of failing her and losing my little family.
May 15, 2020 The N Word
Nipples.
That’s right, nipples. For some reason they are vulgar if we are discussing nipples on breasts (versus pecs). You know, the nipples that provide many babies (something we all were at the beginning of our lives) sustenance, nutrients, and nourishment. The things that help get us through that first year of our lives – are TABOO. Inappropriate. Vulgar. Distasteful.
Men can walk around with their nipples out but we can’t even acknowledge that women have nipples; And if we have them out we can get arrested! What kind of patriarchy hypocritical bullshit is that??
Well, today, I will be talking to you about my nipples. (Sorry not sorry.) But part of embarking on this journey into motherhood includes a lot of situations involving my nipples. More than I expected…
Ever since I had Peanut my nipples have a life of their own with lots of changes, stresses, and adventures. No one ever told me about the sweat and tears involved in caring for your nipples postpartum. At first there was no problem; as my body failed to realize that Peanut was out into the world and it was time to make nature’s horchata (breast milk). But once we began production it was full steam ahead – comfort be damned!
Let me tell you what happens to a Lady when she is a full 24/7 nature’s horchata factory: your nipples fill up, the swell, they hurt, they itch, the skin gets dry, they feel like they could explode at any minute, they look lumpy, you can get a blocked duct which creates a whole new list of problems – including possible infection, they LEAK – like A LOT. And then when your baby decides she no longer wants to latch and breast feed, you are left with used, confused, and abused nipples; with all these problems because there is no OFF switch to the horchata factory. You can’t just shut down production because the boss decides there’s no more demand. So what do you do?
Well, most of the mommy blogs and doctors tell you to ice your breasts. That will eventually stop production of breast milk. Then there are all these wacky “natural alternatives” all over the internet. Rub your breasts with cabbage, sage, random oils, etc. Reader, I’m not going to lie to you, I am not going to try any of that nonsense. Now, if you do, please message me and share the end results! But I just don’t have the energy, desire, or faith that anything outside of ice and time will work. With that being said, I have been icing for a week now and am still struggling with engorged painful nipples. And I don’t mind most of it. Even the pain. But the leaking. The fucking leaking. It gets EVERYWHERE. I hate it.
The point being, I WANT MY NIPPLES BACK! Without the leaking and the hurting and the bumpiness. So pray with me this will end soon. It is a literal nagging pain on my chest that exhausts and annoys me to the point of anxiety/panic attacks. So if you are going through this too, you are not alone. I feel your pain. Literally.
