April 7, 2020 Perspective, Patience, Purpose
People who suffers from PTSD are prone to problematic patterns when placed in positions of perilous predicaments such as a pandemic. My method of survival is perspective, patience, and purpose.
When you suffer from any sort of mental health condition (and even when you don’t!) you have to be hyper vigilant and self aware when faced with high stress situations so that you can find ways to self-soothe. It is easy to go down the rabbit hole of anxiety, paranoia, and depression; So you need to do something to regain perspective and maintain your sanity. Spending time at home should not be looked at like a punishment. Your home should be your safe space, and you should be your own best friend. Learn to be alone with yourself – Silence and solitude can be comforting; even enjoyable. It’s all about perspective.
I make a conscious choice every day to look at the situation positively. I stop and think about what I can do to make each day enjoyable. I plan my day and my time with Peanut. I make up projects for us – The organization factor makes it feel more like an event and less like just being at home. I choose to take this time to make memories instead of misery.
It’s easy to fall into feelings of despair. Life is chaotic and stressful on its own, so when you add a pandemic, it magnifies the intensity of any negative feelings. It’s hard to see beyond the fog of the current terrible situation, and sometimes we need to be reminded to just keep going.
June 12, 2020 BLM
As a former EMT, the death of Breonna Taylor hit me hard. EMS staff work side by side with armed officers, with one big difference: we are unarmed. Yet still on the same dangerous scene with other first responders, risking safety to save others. This is who Breonna was in her day to day life, and the same men she served next to – the same people she has likely helped or even saved – are the ones that took her life. There is no excuse for this.
August 2, 2020 No shoes, No shirt, No service
Let’s forget for a minute that the Governor mandated face coverings — a store has the right to refuse service to anyone (something that we as a society have accepted as a norm), so why could they and would they not be allowed to refuse service to those without face masks? And if it was your daughter, son, brother, sister, mother, or father working at the stores – knowing there is a pandemic – are you okay with your loved one being exposed to covid?
These temper tantrums over face mask requirements make me sad for my daughter and for humanity. At the very bare minimum animals are concerned with self-preservation. Prey learn to avoid predators for the sake of survival. Coronavirus is a predator and WE are the prey, why are we okay with rolling over and letting it kill us?
In a world, and especially a country, where people seem to be primarily driven by their ego and pocketbook, it baffles me when they do not want to do what it takes to survive; to win. The United States loves being #1 and leaders; why aren’t we leaders in paving the way for the new world? Why aren’t we #1 in covid-19 eradication efforts?
THIS IS NOT ABOUT POLITICS.
This is about health, about survival, and about rebuilding a sense of normal in a way that allows us to stay healthy and allows our economy and society to thrive. And I get it, we are tired. We are all tired. But how many people have to die before we get on the same page?
August 31, 2020 An Apology
I would like to apologize. Please forgive my constant positivity — and I say this in all sincerity. I know it maybe off-putting, annoying, and or confusing given the state of the world. Things are bad. Pandemics, politics, persistent fires. I know some of you are seriously depressed, anxious, overwhelmed… but here’s the thing… that had been my entire existence. I spent years upon years depressed; Not caring if I lived or died. I spent most days going down the dark rabbit hole of self-hatred. Truth be told, up until I had Peanut, I didn’t even think I was meant for anything good. I had so many failed relationships, friendships, family ties. I didn’t start off wanting to be a single parent. I wanted the partner, the place to call home, the puppy, and then the parenthood. I searched and searched and love never worked out for me; so I refocused my dream to something I thought I was sure to achieve but I tried and tried and could not get pregnant.
Then, as you know, Peanut arrived and everything changed. I changed. So I’m sorry if I can’t always be part of the conversation of complaining and depression and negativity of the current times. It’s not that I don’t understand you, I just can’t join you. And I’m so sorry for failing you on this. I know what it’s like to be in the dark place. But I need to believe things will get better because I finally found happiness after all these years.
I finally found a reason to want to be alive, and the world falling apart around me is muted every time this tiny human runs up and hugs me or gives me that silly little smile when she’s being a troublemaker. It’s ironic that when people feel like they are dying, I finally feel like I am living.
Find that thing that makes you feel like you are living and loving. And then live and love.
September 17, 2020 Silence
The sound of silence serves several purposes. Silence is golden. Silence speaks volumes. Silence is deafening. Silence can be a question, but it can also be an answer. Silence can torture you, but it can also comfort you. Silence says everything, while it says nothing at all. In some circumstances, silence is complicity.
For me, silence can sometimes be noisy, as it manifests as static to my anxiety. But silence can also be calming; especially when negativity can be silenced away.
Silence is a choice. Silence tells me everything that I need to know. The Choice to be silent answers all of my questions. I often choose silence. I choose silence as a response, as a state of being, as of means of coping. I love silence; I am comfortable with silence.
February 23, 2021 I have been dreaming about you…
… All of you. I’ve been having vivid dreams that seem so real; I can smell everything, feel the textures… Its an immersive experience.
I get lost in the reverie.
I dream of going to Target with Bradden, randomly clothes shopping with Kelley, getting a Diet Coke with Ryan… I dream that my grandpa is alive and lucid, that Barbara is visiting Wesley and playing with Peanut, that Lori is alive and living here in the house she never got to see… and so many more. All of you. I see you in my dreams.
They are beautiful vivid dreams filled with laughter and joy and colors. All the colors are bright and exciting! Everyone is happy and full of love — especially being together. I love my dreams. And when I wake up, I replay them in my head over and over. I don’t want to forget a single detail — but the details always fade, and the dreams get lost.
It is the most bizarre and beautiful grief. It is my brain coping with missing you.
And don’t get my wrong, when I wake up, I wake up to the most wonderful existence of baby bliss in a bubble. I spend my days with this bright light; this tiny human blessing. And I am grateful for every single second with her. Even the poopy diapers and the temper tantrums… but it’s not lost on me that my dreams, my life in the reverie, is my brain helping my heart’s grief.